The other day I was down my local wall and there was this geezer I know pretty well, actually, and if he is reading this he knows who he effing well is, hanging off a fingerboard in one of those dumb-f!ck vests that look like things cops wear. And, bit of inside information so you can get how f!cking stupid this c!nt was. (Sorry about the use of that word, girls, no disprespect meant, and I’m as up for whatever I can get with you lot as I ever was, but, you know, the word does have to be used now and again.) Anyway, the bit of inside information is that the tw!t was dieting!! He’s gone and spent a hundred smacks or whatever on a fancy vest, to make himself heavier, and then gone without milk in his bloody tea and butter on his fr!gging toast to make himself lighter!! Can you believe it?! F!cking priceless that one. When I saw that, I went over to him, and hung on the board opposite, and said ‘see, you can cut out the vest-dieting thing and get the eighty-odd-kilo-feeling on your fingers practically for free.’ But he just gave me a really sour look. Some people! I mean, I was thinking, and I should have said this at the time, and next time I will, for definite, it’s like going out on the pull with a hand full of sh!t in one hand and aftershave in the other!