I mean getting a climbing girlfriend. I have got a seriously long list of tips on how to do that. I haven’t actually managed it, yet, but I reckon that I could have. Tip one, obviously: go topless as much as you can, even if it’s a bit parky. Although there comes a point when it gets ridiculous, and with me that’s when my bad nipple looks odd because the other one goes hard with the cold. Tip two, even more obviously, is if you see someone you like doing a route you have already got the beta on, shout it up. It’s a bit unsubtle, because everyone knows that shouting beta is basically code for ‘do you think I’m s!xy’, but still high on the list. Anway, tip the third: if you’ve got a tatoo, make sure it’s out. And if you haven’t, then f!cking well go and get one: are you a virgin or what? Tip la quatro: try and spot them or something. You might be able to get an accidental hands-on somewhere, and that will make them go weak at the goddamned knees. King Tip the fifth: complain about your hangover in earshot. That way they’ll know you are a cool cat who likes his alco, and they will think: if he climbs like this on a sore head…. Tip the sixth. Pop a biro into your chalk bag pocket so that when it comes to shoot for the telephone number, you are armed and dangerous. If you don’t want the whole world to know what you are up to, just get a cheap one and snap it in half so it doesn’t stick out. Tip numero seventh: frankly, guys, the rest of it is too advanced for beginners, so there’s just no point.